broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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