U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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