Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
