All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
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and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
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I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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