She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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