True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
