Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We don't watch enough power rangers
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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