He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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