I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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