ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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