Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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