May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
