oh god the rape fog is back!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
