I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
