I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
