I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
