Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
