if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
