My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
