I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
