when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO