i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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