Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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