So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
