Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think I just sharted jello shots
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
