so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
