Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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