i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
