No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You are the jesus of drinking
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
