I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
