well I can't set my house on fire every night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
