masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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