i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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