i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Girls should come with a carfax report
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
