just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Randomize
