Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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