we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
