eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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