The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
