you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
