Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the condom got lost in my hair
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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