I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
