I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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