awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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