i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
