I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
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The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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