i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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