Betty ford says i'm here all night
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
