She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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