didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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