I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
and you fell through a lawn chair
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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