I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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