Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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