Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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