I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My life is pants optional.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
